Creating a Less Wordy Paragraph

Original Paragraph (106 words)

In comparing the settings of the two photographs, there is a huge disparity in the messages conveyed to the reader. The location of Obama’s public world is in a room surrounded by many different people who appear to be loyal, supportive, and enjoying his presence. He is sitting beside an elderly woman with his arm around her shoulder. Both are smiling and the setting is one of happiness, joy, and celebration. The closed surrounding of his private world is one of solitude and seclusion. The president is alone and appears to be working late into the night as he reflects on the many problems he encounters.

Revised Paragraph (75 words)

Comparing the settings of the photographs, there is disparity in the messages conveyed to the reader. Obama’s public world is a room surrounded by many people appearing loyal and supportive. Seated beside an elderly woman, both are smiling and the setting is one of happiness and joy. Obama’s private world is one of solitude and seclusion. The president is alone and working late into the night as he reflects on the many problems he encounters.

I really enjoyed this activity. It was like taking out pieces of a puzzle and still being able to capture the scene. I do have a tendacy to be wordy with my writing and this will be a great activity for me to use in the future.